Given Grace Series~ Entry One “Identity”

When it comes to knowing who I was in Christ and learning my true identity in Him, I knew it had to be first on the list of things I would go back and try to help a younger me understand. But when other PWs ask me what I wish I had known about ministry, I falter. How do you put this colossal concept in a few clever sentences? How do you compress it into a short FB response or text? How do you state it matter-of-factly as you are sitting across the table from someone? How do you sum up something so intimate in your walk with God and that was not “one moment” revelation but hours upon hours of God’s working in your heart?

For me this was one of the biggest turning points in my life. It was a truth that God would use to stabilize me for the rest of this earthly pilgrimage. Everything I do and think right now goes back to this foundation.

I was 28 when my third child was born. My little Scarlett was a great baby, but just having a third child threw my little world into a tailspin. Two seemed like a natural step for me, but three felt like falling down an entire flight of stairs. My kids were all about two and a half years apart. Here we were with a growing ministry, three kids, and in our seventh year of marriage, which by the way just seems to be the magic number for a tough marital season. It seemed Josh was less present and the children were definitely more present than ever before.

I have always been an active person in ministry. My love language is “acts of service,” and naturally that falls into the realm of how I express my love to God. At this time, I was teaching a two year old Sunday school class, AWANA Cubbies, discipleship, and leading Jr. Choir among other service opportunities. I did these things because I enjoyed them and because I loved the Lord. However, deep inside I think I based a lot of my acceptance with my Heavenly Father in these things. I have no idea where I got this because my parents loved me unconditionally. Perhaps it was just my personality; the perfectionist, people-pleaser in me.

I never would have said, “God loves me more because I do…” I had been taught from the time I was a child that

God loved me first (I John 4:19), that He is love (I John 4:8), that He loved me and as with the prophet Jeremiah chose me before I had anything to bring to the table (Jeremiah 1:5); but there is a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. It wasn’t a real belief in my life. I know that because we live out what we truly believe, and I was living in what felt like solitude and defeat.

That year was such a struggle. I felt knocked down with every jab I threw at life. I was certain that I was a failure in every single area: as a wife, a mother, a pastor’s wife, a children’s teacher…as a Christian. Imagine life with an infant, a two and a half year old, and a five year old. Life was pure chaos. The ministry was growing quicker than this small-church girl could keep pace with. For the first time in my life I felt disconnected with what was going on. Transitions were not just in place, they were flying at me faster than mashed potatoes off of an angry toddler’s plate.

I had recently had to give up the job of printing the church programs and now Josh was slowly encouraging me to begin transitioning out of children’s ministry and into other areas. The very thought rocked me to my core. I didn’t want to let go of anything, but at the same time I was so tired and didn’t have the energy to do things I loved doing. I even went to the doctor in response to what I thought must be the physical symptoms for anemia only to be told that my test results all came back normal and my symptoms were likely from depression. Now that made me really mad! I kindly thanked the misinformed gentleman in the white coat for his observation and gritted my teeth as I marched myself right outta’ there. However, I didn’t get a mile down the road before I was in tears before the Lord. You see, God in His goodness had stripped me of all the things I had been placing my worth in. I had believed that I had value because of my roles and responsibilities. I think many of us fill our schedules to the brim because deep inside we believe that tired equals treasured in God’s sight, that busy means we are beloved; that working means we are worthy; that volume in our life means valued.

After that visit to the doctor, I stepped aside for a while. I continued doing what was necessary at that time, but I laid other things aside for a while. My husband was very gracious as for about a month or two as I let housework fall behind. I took time every day to get alone and read what God had to say about Him and me. I read some wonderful Christian study books. I poured out my heart to God in prayer. During this time, the Lord so sweetly dealt with me. There was not a “moment of revelation.” There was not a day when a single verse just popped out to me and that was that- problem solved. The Lord has certainly done that in other areas of my life, but this particular issue was so deep and so painful for me, that it was a slow process of Him every day putting His arms around me telling me, “I love you, Heather. You are not a failure. You are my child, and you are made for good things. I love you just as you are. I knew this day in your life was coming, this period where you would not be achieving all that things you thought you would. Yet I still loved you and chose you. I chose you to be Josh’s wife. You’re the mother that Savannah, Jonathan, and Scarlett would need- that’s why I placed them in your care. I do not ask you to do more than you are capable of in service to me. And I am here to teach you, direct you, and empower you to do all you need to do.”

All these little lessons were just God slowly teaching me who I really am in Him. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer, but He knew that long ago and still wanted me. He wanted me to be His daughter. He chose me for Himself and His kingdom. I had always enjoyed serving, but now there was freedom in serving. I serve because God made me for this. That truth has been the single greatest truth in my life.

“Like as a father pitieth (to love, love deeply, have mercy, be compassionate, have tender affection, have compassion) his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.” Psalm 103:13

Everything I do or could do in life could be stripped away, and I would still matter. I could do nothing at all at the church, and I would still hold value. God has chosen me, and that makes me worth something. And God has chosen you. Wherever you are in ministry, if you are placing your security in anything besides this truth, you will find yourself where I did. If you are putting your worth in who your husband is, in your relationship with him, in what kind of mother you are, in the way you teach, in the way you counsel, or the way you serve in the music ministry, you are not going to be as productive as you would like to be and you certainly won’t be fulfilled. In fact, you may even find yourself so discouraged that you find yourself disabled in spirit. Take time to get alone with God. Start a journal to record your journey. Ask God to show you who He really is and who you are in Him. I promise, it’s a journey you won’t regret.

Your Friend,

What about you? When did you learn this truth? Has God’s acceptance and care for you ever been a struggle to comprehend? Or is this something that your Heavenly Father is growing in you right now?